Being a perfectionist: a blessing or a curse?

“Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving”, says Dr. Brené Brown. 

“It’s a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.’ “

For a long time during my career, I was under the illusion that my perfectionism was a great asset. After all, I was making sure that everything was running smoothly, right? I was well organized, always had an eye for details and delivered quality work within the given deadlines. Cutting corners didn’t exist in my vocabulary, I always made sure all the I’s were dotted and all T’s crossed.  

But when I got burned out in my corporate career, I started to realize how I had always confused perfectionism with delivering great quality and being precise. 

It’s not the same!

And there are a lot more myths around perfectionism according to Brown. So, let’s look at what perfectionism is NOT:

1)  Perfectionism is NOT the same as striving for quality

And it also has nothing to do with healthy performance and growth. It is a harmful and addictive system of beliefs that is based on the following basic idea:

“If I do things perfectly and look perfect, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

So, it’s a form of self-protection. And it’s a major illusion at the same time, because perfectionism is a very heavy shield that we lug around, thinking that it will protect us. But in fact, this is exactly what is preventing us from being seen – seen for who we really are -, and from truly shining our brightest light. 

2)  Perfectionism is NOT a form of self-improvement

Perfectionism is all about getting approval. Approval that that we seek in the outside world because we cannot give it to ourselves. Living on an external compass instead of our internal compass – our own inner GPS – is what I call it. We’ve made ourselves dependent on the outside world to discern whether something is right or wrong for us, instead of trusting our own deeper sense of knowing. 

This is partly due to programming during childhood, where we were praised for our achievements and behavior such as grades, obedience, appearance, sports and school performance. We learned that we were (and some of us only) acknowledged and loved then, and we started to attach enormous value to this.

We gradually picked up dangerous limiting beliefs such as: ‘My value depends on what I do and how well I do it.’

As a result, we started to perform, please and perfect. Do you see how perfectionism is peer-focused: “Am I doing it right?” and “How can I do it better (so I’ll get even more recognition and approval)?”

“Perfectionism is showing off,” according to Brown. We try to cover up our flaws in order to influence the way others see us, so we can win people over.

3)  Perfectionism is NOT the key to success

It is probably clear for you now that perfectionism is a hindrance. It’s closely linked to indecision, procrastination, anxiety, addiction, depression, and missed opportunities. It stems from the fear of making mistakes, not being able to meet the expectations of others and being exposed. The fear of being criticized and rejected ensures that there is no room for healthy achievement and competition. Everything we do and say comes from a place of fear and contraction. And it’s exactly this that stands in the way of us living our life from a place of trust, connection, inspiration and flow.

Many smart, talented, ambitious people know this all too well. And it looks like women suffer from it more often than men. We’ve set very high standards for ourselves, we create endless to-do lists that are never done, and we know exactly what it takes to make something good into something perfect. No wonder we tend to take our work home (literally and figuratively speaking) and can never seem to relax. And as a result of that we don’t sleep well, have a short fuse and always feel exhausted. 

So, it’s time to go into ‘perfectionism-rehab’ and transform into a ‘good-enough-ist’! 

In order to get there, one of the things you can do is to apply the ‘enough principle’. 

This is a shift in thinking from “What will THEY think?” to “I AM (good) enough!”

In order to accept who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and accept that our lives are not perfect, we must learn to be gentle with ourselves, and to embrace our shortcomings. In theory this sounds pretty simple. But I know from personal experience that it is far from simple and requires a lot of awareness, willingness and courage to explore, embrace and show our vulnerabilities.

That’s because there’s deeper issues at play here. As perfectionists, we’re always afraid of judgment and so we tend to hide ourselves, to numb ourselves, and to find any means to make sure they don’t see how flawed we are. 

And that’s where we really need to look if we want to heal ourselves from perfectionism: 

the deep-seated belief that we’re not good enough, not valuable and not worthy.

If you want to have a chat about your struggles with perfectionism and how you can heal and transform so you can awaken your higher potential, book a complementary Soul Alignment Session with me.  I’m more than happy to talk to you (of course it’s complementary and no obligations!).